A Bitter Pill . . .

It was about 5 weeks ago, a sweltering 98 degrees, on a July night at 8:00 p.m. It was so humid the moon looked like it could drip, when I was chilled to the bone by one young mom's words. I met Sally, (not her real name) a home Spa Party. Usually I avoid these home parties like the plague - I just don't like them. Sally was bemoaning the fact that she was once again pregnant. She said, " I'm the only woman I know of who's become pregnant twice while on the pill!" Then she said - "I'm cursed." That's when I felt cold. A few were laughing about her "plight" and told her to "try other ways" and she laughed, too, but it was ugly laughter, like the "snickering of demons." I'm not insinuating at all that these women there were evil, but some "uninvited guests" most certainly were. It was like Screwtape Letters, in real life. It was unnerving. The bounteous assorted hors dourves, which suddenly seemed more like "demonic delicacies," lost their appeal, so I left and went in the family room and silently prayed Hail Mary's for Sally and her friends. It was like doing battle. The flippant materialistic attitude was rampant during the evening.

Driving home that night I was thinking how potentially so much better our marriage would have been, had we been open to life from the start. I'd have been too busy to find time to chase after elusive happiness when we drifted so far apart in our 2nd decade of marriage. Maybe we wouldn't have drifted so far apart with more kids in tow(?) Once our kids were both in school all day, I allowed my ennui and dissatisfaction to get the best of me. Combine that with a friend (more like a "cohort in complaining") and it was disastrous. I understand now when Dr. Ray has told us his wife has said many times that she's a better mother of 10 kids than she would have been of 1, 2 or 3. I believe that would have been the same thing I'd be saying had we been open to life.

Learning what the pill really is and what it does, since returning to the Catholic Church, has been a "hard pill to swallow"- no pun intended. I know I've been forgiven for using it, but there's a hollow hurt in my heart that will never go away. It's part of my cross to embrace and carry now. The excuses for using birth control are based only in selfishness and fear. The emotional and spiritual bonding that should have grown from the start between us, as husband and wife, was destroyed by the pill. That's the brutal truth. We took vows at our wedding to accept children lovingly from God, yet within hours and for years, we selfishly said "no" to God and His gift of life.

Our gratitude is deep toward God, in that he graced us as we stayed together to work it all out, and we didn't shatter our family with a divorce. I offer up my grief and sadness for having contracepted, for the salvation of Sally's soul and others that are lost in this abhorrent, selfish trap of the enemy he's using for the destruction of souls and families. Pope Paul VI was right. Evil was loosed, like at no other time in history, with the creation and use of the pill. God forgive us. JMJ pray for us and save souls!

susie